I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
