Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
