dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
