Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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