You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
