Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
