making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
