Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
