I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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