i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
