Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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