My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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