youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Well I just put wine in my tea
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
