I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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