We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
