There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
