I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
