I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
we should paint friendship bongs
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