Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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