census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
