just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
