My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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