OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Im part way to drunk.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
