to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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