One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Houston, we have a blender
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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