yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
It's official drugs can't kill me
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
