don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
