sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
he had hair everywhere except his balls
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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