why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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