What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
