ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
