I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
It was confusing and full of hummus
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just invented taco cereal.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
