I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
