Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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