Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
