You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Randomize
