i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
