Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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