His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
