there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
