i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
