i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
