So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
