I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
