guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
