it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
