how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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