I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
