So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
