I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
