I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
