Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
