My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
