I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
