I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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