I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
